Estrogren ladden thoughts

Can you hear it? No? Neither can I. It's so quiet here, and it's not even 8pm. Miss V decided today to go to bed early tonight. She was tired she cheerfully announced (actually, what she said was something like "my legs are tired, and my feet, too. Can I go to bed now?"). I didn't object, not one bit.

Other than that, there is really not too much to report. I am popping vast amount of little blue estrogen pills these days in the hope to sensitize my good ole ovaries to FSH (drugs). It's so much, that my b*east have started to hurt, which has never happened on estrogen alone (they did, however, not increase in size; something, I had secretely hoped for). Progesterone maybe, but not estrogen. I am also to insert these little BLUE pills vaginally. You get what that means, right? I am not sure if I can really blame the estrogen alone (which I do, of course), but I have been feeling quite irritable lately. I really lost it a couple of times and yelled like a banshee, which, even for my angry self, is a bit much. Poor Miss V. Looking forward to the progesterone that I am allowed to add to the mix soon.

About two weeks ago, I learned that our insurance plan, which thankfully has covered part of our horrendous IVF costs, will phase out at the end of the year. No other plan that is offered at Mr H company has comparable coverage. It sucks. Simple as that. Some other plan may cover IUIs, but with two dysfunctional tubes that seems a bit silly, no?

I still have the dream that I will find a surgeon who dares to fix my tubal issues. Of course, if the upcoming IVF works and all I won't hopefully need it. But there is a lot of if in IF (gosh, I amaze myself at my ability to be witty in a foreign language!).

I am not sure, I will write a whole lot of my IVF experience. I didn't the last time. I just couldn't get myself to write about it. I was partly too anxious, but partly I also felt embarrassed. Stupid, I know, but I couldn't admit to anyone how much Follistim/Repronex I used every day and how timidly my ovaries responded nonetheless. I was never so deluded to think that i would produce vast amounts of eggs, be an IVF superstar so to speak, but I didn't think I would "perform" so poorly either. Every step of my last IVF attempt was rich with worry. Every single one. It was utterly exhausting.

So, we'll see about this next one. Sometimes I even muster up some optimism. Really, I amaze myself.

On a more positive note, we had lots of fun for Halloween! I love me some pumpkins and trick-or-treaters.