Painting

After my miscarriage last November, I started painting our house. I painted and painted and painted some more. I accomplished so much all by myself that some people actually started to worry about me a bit. But there was something soothing in rolling on thick, smooth paint. It felt so therapeutic to me. I don't have control over my body, but at least I can control how our walls look like (and ceilings, but I don't like painting ceilings...).

Around the same time, I began reading house improvement/renovation blogs and stopped one by one reading infertility blogs. Most of them already had or expected babies and the few still struggling stopped blogging; understandably so. All the babies of *my* pregnancy cohort are born safely by now. I cheered for each and everyone of you. It's a bit bittersweet though to be left on infertility island.

The place I stayed at temporarily - or so I thought- on this island looks more and more like a permanent dwelling. And if this is my permanent dwelling, shouldn't it be as nice as possible? I think so. And so I will go on and try to make the best of this place that I find myself in.

Right now I am painting my fence. And it feels good.

Still here

I was just checking my own blog and realized it's been a while; a while, but nothing (in)fertilitywise has happened (to me that is) in the meantime. And it may never again happen. Or it might. Who knows.

It's been almost four years of trying. ART hasn't exactly helped me, and I am feeling like I should just let it go. The last year has given me a couple of little pregnancies, which I treasure. In terms of moving on, however, they haven't helped me one bit. They somehow gave me the illusion that, indeed, I could get pregnant. But it isn't so now, is it?

I found the picture of my four lost embryos (IVF #2) last weekend. I was happy to find them, they were missing from my little white memory box. Now, that I put the picture in the box, the box feels strangely complete. Nothing more to add.

I still cry "WHY" out into the night. Having kids was always very important to me; infertility has truly hurt me deeper than most people can fathom. And I can well imagine that the loss of fertility at an age when most women do not have to worry about it yet (34) will haunt me and sadden me for many years to come. Of course, that doesn't mean, I won't be doing fine. I will. But, as I said, it's been a very deep and painful loss.

Gosh, I didn't want to get all teary here. I am just sorta reaching the point where it seems more difficult to continue with ART (whatever little options there are left for me anyway) than leave it.

On to a happy note: I may be going to turn 38 this year, but I still pass the pencil test just fine!

Welcome to public school

If you get a letter a) asking you to give you your preference for your child's classroom placement along with the opportunity to explain why you think this classroom would be a good fit for your child and b) giving you a deadline of say May 12 to return this letter to the school, what would your expectations be regarding the selection criteria?

These were mine:
1) the school would make the selection after the deadline
2) the school actually cares about your opinion
3) you may still end up in a different classroom

Miss V. did not end up in the classroom we had hoped she would, which did not make us happy, but it didn't make me as upset as I am now about the school after I learned how they actually made the selection.

Basically, by the time that I handed in our letter the selection was already made based on the order in which the letters came in. Regardless of what you wrote down in the letter (and I actually put thought into it). The nice secretary could have easily told me right there and then "TOO LATE!". Why it took the school a month to send out the letter telling us they could not place our child in the requested classroom, I don't know.

When I toured (public) schools, I came upon one principal who was very straightforward about the fact that parents had no input in student placement. I didn't necessary like that but I appreciated her frankness. No build-up of wrong expectations there.

Right after we received the letter telling us which public school Miss V would go to next fall I had actually called the school to express our preference (yes, it was important to us). I was told that a note would be put in my daughter's file and that a letter would be send out soon. Nothing was said about the "first come, first serve" selection criteria.

Bah, unfortunately, my good opinion of this school is already tainted.

Welcome public school.

P.S. Today was also the due date. And I got my period over the weekend. Always a pleasure.

I think my RE is giving up on me

...or already has, I don't know. And I don't know how I feel about this.

I met with him last week, and the meeting was a bit weird. I asked him about another HSG (maybe coupled with Letrozole) because at this point I am mostly interested in plumbing maintenance. His response? Donor Eggs?! I had thought we had put this option to rest for the time being. Actually, thinking about his response makes me much more angry now than I was during the meeting. Funny how that works.

Anyway, he would be okay with another HSG but if there is evidence of scarring (particularly the tubes), he is not going to do anything about it. He doesn't want to subject me to any more (unnecessary) surgery. See, why I feel he's giving up on me?

He may be right, I may never get pregnant again in my life (without donor eggs). But I am so tired of having my eggs be blamed for all the failures. I may be delusional, but I think without the Asherman's I may have had a chance a couple of years ago. My eggs were not always crappy. And last year, after a clean-up and with an open tube, I did manage to become pregnant. Probably a bad egg, but good enough to implant at least.

I don't know where I am going with this. I don't even know why this all bothers me so much. After four years of secondary infertility I should be able to finally accept our three person family.

Poor Me

We're approaching THE due date fast. And I am not pregnant again (what a surprise, eh?). I read blogs of women who got pregnant around the same time as me, they are getting ready to give birth- or already have their little ones home. I see women in my neighborhood chatting happily with each other while everyone of them is carrying a baby.

People, I do feel left out a little bit.

I am going to meet with my RE this week to discuss another HSG, just to make sure that the plumbing is still in semi-working condition. Maybe we can couple this attempt with another round of Letrozole? It's cheap. In some ways though, it all feels kinda pointless.

I have had beautiful cycles the last couple of times. Strong ovulation predictors, good cycle lenght, adequate periods (with the added bonus of absent pain!). If I didn't know I was so damn infertile (most of the time), it wouldn't look so bad from the outside...But the periods always show up on time, and the most i get in terms of second lines are dubious evaporation lines on dubious pregnancy tests. Damn.

Is there a point to this posts? Nah.

But, hey, the weather here in the Northwest was beautiful this weekend!!! And I had my first visit to the emergency room in the middle of the night with Mr H and Miss V in tow...it's all good now though, I just needed some nice pain medication and a small medical procedure to drain an "peritonsillar absess". The emergency room visit was, well, interesting. Next to me, hidden behind a curtain, was an old man suffering from alcoholism. Or so I thought until they asked him when he had his last menstrual period.

Did I mention that we have had some great weather lately???

Yesterday

1) The diaper bag: Here it is, in all its glory! Thanks for asking, Erin!
As I mentioned before, the diaper bag is for Baby Lucky. But who is Baby Lucky??? Well, that's Miss V's cousin whose due date is in June, close to the one of my own unlucky offspring.





...and this one is the baby outfit I sewed as well:



2) things that made me laugh yesterday: "Bomb her womb with your huge cannon" (a spam email sent to Mr. H)...

3) things that made me sad/furious/speechless yesterday: that (austria*n) father. The one who kept his daughter (and some of their respective offsprings) locked up in the basement for a quarter century. I have no words for this.

Weather induced ramblings

We had about 2 days of sunshine this April. 2 lonely days. We had about 4 snow days. Twice as many. That's just not right. Needless to say I am SO sick of the cold and the gray skies. Guess, there is only one thing I can do: increase my carbon footprint!

Other news? Nah, nada over here. I made a beautiful diaper bag for baby Lucky (and enjoyed doing it), but that's about it. Other than that I decided (for the thousandths time or so) to get my act together and get back into the paid work force. Making diaper bags isn't that profitable, but at least I have a skill now. So, now I have something to contribute to all those school auctions that I envision in my near future.

I have always wanted to learn how to sew, but I never really had the time to do it. Until the last two years that I worked as a professional infertility patient. In between doctors/acupuncture/therapy/massage/etc. appointments, there actually was the odd hour of leisure time. And you know what? It was good for me. It gives me satisfaction to see something growing under my hands. Looking at my dissertation gives me some satisfaction, too, but getting there was brutal. And it took far too long.

But it would be great to earn some money, too. So, it's up to me to take some actions.