The first post in a new year

Lovely internet, thank you all so much for thinking of me and Mr. H. I am doing better. In addition I made an appointment with my GP to talk about treatment (=AD) for depression. I believe, it will do this little family of mine some good.

2006 has not been a great year for me. It appears that sadly, I am in good company. I will even go so far and say that few years weigh heavier on my soul and spirit, if any. The year my father battled and subsequently died from cancer was enormously sad. This last year though beats all other years in beating down my innermost spirit, hope, and my feeling of self-worth. When my father died part of my past died, when the last two IVFs failed (combined with the news that my plumbing has reached an all time low), part of my hope for our future died. I didn’t get cynical, angry, bitter, or depressed back then, but I am now.

I didn’t know how I hard I would take the final phone call of my fertility clinic. I had actually wondered if there would be some part of relief, like “now finally I must move on” sentiment. But no. There was no relief. Poor Miss V had to witness my breakdown. It was bad. No child should see her mother like this. I also didn’t know how angry I was with Mr H for dealing with this failure so differently. What I needed was someone who was as sad but also as angry as I was at the universe. But he can’t grief with me like this. I am not even sure he understands why I feel the need to grief. He offered hugs. But the last thing I wanted was to hug the body (my body that is) that had just killed another four embryos so successfully. Or produced four embryos that were incompatible with life. Anyway, it was a bad night and I only managed to get on the airplane to Germany with the help of some tranquilizers that I had to call in from my regular GP.

And it was good I had them, for the universe had another bad joke up its sleeve. While waiting for our plane, I noticed another family of four, two kids under four, that looked rather familiar. You see, I bought my fertility monitor from the mother. And it was the mother with whom I had one of the worst and memorable phone calls discussing my fertility issues. After the obligatory “it took me five long months to get pregnant with our second…(the young mother was about 41 at that time)”, she proceeded to tell me about her wonderful VBAC experience because “you know, uterine ruptures are so rare anyway” (never mind that I had one, and she knew it, though it may have slipped her memory). Don’t get me wrong, I am glad for her that she had a good experience. I also know that uterine ruptures are rare, even for a VBAC. I am quite aware of my freak status here. Really. But there is no need to throw it into my fragile face, wouldn’t you agree? And finally she offered me her opinion on IVF and how she wouldn’t do it, not without having tried everything else. Amen to that, sister. I think we finished the phone call with her well wishes “don’t give up hope, I’m sure it’ll happen for you soon.” and I haven’t talked to her since. I sure as something didn’t want to talk to her right after my failed second and final attempt at IVF. So I ignored her completely. And thankfully they (probably) missed their connecting flight in Copenhagen – as did our luggage.

We made it to Germany in one piece and for the most part, I was okay. Sometimes sad, sometimes even happy. I never told my family about this last IVF attempt, and I didn’t tell them of its failure either. My mother is a great person, but not only is it tremendously difficult for her to see me so sad (and cynical and bitter), she also doesn’t quite get it anyway. Over the last two years, we’ve had a number of children-related conversations that just didn’t go well for either of us. I just didn’t want to risk any further disappointments. I think she knew anyway, but we never talked about it openly.

Christmas was very enjoyable. My sister came, and so did my brother with his wife and beautiful, little son. He’s an IVF baby. That’s right, lovely internet, I am not the only one in my family who suffers from infertility. But we don’t talk about our experiences. My SIL is very private about these matters and for the most part you wouldn’t know she had to go through so much agony (couple of failed IVFs) to have her little guy. She may have hated me a little back when I announced I was pregnant with Miss V, while she was in the trenches of infertility. I would have. My brother probably did a little, although he may also have been happy that at least one grandchild was on the way (you see, no pressure, but my mother wanted to be a grandmother). But my SIL is different from us. She has such a happy disposition, I am not even sure any bitter thoughts have ever crossed her mind. Sometimes it’s difficult to have such an infertility superhero in your face. Anyway, Christmas was nice and we spent some good family time together. And the kids got along better than expected.

The remaining time in Germany was pleasant and for the most part uneventful. Chocolate attacked me right and left, and so did lots of fatty, yummy foods. Mr H and I often went to the local Weihnachtsmarkt and enjoyed Gluehwein (= hot, spiced red wine), Bratwurst, and potato cakes with applesauce. I introduced my sister to the wonder of “Fir*fly” (Admittedly, I am a bit of a geek) and Mr H and I watched lots of “Battle*tar *alactica”, where I learned about cylo*s (humanoid machines) and actually started to wonder whether I was one of them, or at the very least one of their descendents. Most of them can’t get pregnant (surprise) and the one that did (a machine got pregnant?!) had bad plumbing. Sounds a bit familiar, doesn’t it?

We’re back home now. It was a difficult flight back as Miss V suddenly became sick with a stomach flu. And then, while waiting at immigration with a throw up bag and a sick child, we were flagged. Literally with a big red card. Nice, eh? And you know what the problem was? My brand new passport, that had been stolen and retrieved out of a government agency before I ever laid my hands on it. Thankfully my government had provided me with some official document that explained these circumstances (“just in case, but, you shouldn’t have any problems anyway”), but, of course, it was in German. You may all be relieved to know that the US immigration officials didn’t just take my word for it. But in the end, they let me go.

I am glad 2006 is over. It had the potential for great happiness, yet in the end that potential was all there was. I am a bit wary about 2007. As many of you said in your own blogs, we all thought 2005 was bad enough and hoped for better things in 2006. Yet, for many of us, they didn’t happen. And they may not happen in 2007 either.

Nevertheless, in the hope for a great year to come, I wish you and yours peace, happiness, and health. And that, of course, includes reproductive health as well.