Venting

This is a short interruption of my blogging hiatus to ...no, not to announce I am pregnant.

I won't bore you with all the details of my challenged IVF cycle, suffice to say that my reproductive capabilities haven't improved over the last couple of months. I am just feeling so awful right now -after yet another traumatizing ultrasound- and don't know where to unload my shitty feelings but here.

I can't get over my ultrasound this morning, particularly not the conversation I had with the attending RE, let's call her Dr. Insensitive (if she ever reads this: I'm sorry, I'm sure you had the best intentions at heart, but your timing was really shitty). First of all, I hate having ultrasounds with doctors I am not that familiar with, and who apparently are not as familiar with my challenged reproductive system. They tend to throw things at me that I have a hard time to digest, like "did you know you had an endometrioma on each of your ovaries?" or "did you know you have a really big endometrioma?". Thanks, pals. Anyway, so for many (un)fortunate reasons (e.g. Thanksgiving and the weekend) I always ended up with Dr. Insensitive instead of my regular RE, Dr. Soothing for the dreaded ultrasounds. So, for today, I wanted to make sure I could see my regular doctor and specifically requested him. But ha, not so much luck. Because of snow, damn snow, we hardly ever have snow here, so why now?, they traded their shifts. Of course, nobody told me.

My regular doctor knows to keep a keen eye on my endometrium. I'm not so sure Dr. Insensitive did. She never mentioned anything before, so I was under the impression things were alright (and I didn't press the issue because I am one of those people who do not need to know all the details). Not so much. Today she mentioned that my endometrium was still very thin, as in really thin. Yes, pregnancies have happened with thin endometriums like this, but it's far from ideal. Now, during my last unsuccessful IVF cycle I was taking L'Arginine to help my lining along (and it was notably fluffier). I didn't use it this time because last cycle was unsuccessful and who knows whether the L'Arginine had something to do with it. But, had I known that my lining this time was sooo shitty, I would have taken it again, no question at all! So, I am already upset at her for not mentioning it, and upset at myself for not asking about it earlier; upset as in tears were flooding my eyes. I am a crier, what can I say.

This was the fragile moment, that she chose to bring up the following topic: "Have you ever considered donor eggs? The success rates are over 85%..."

Lovely internet, I was there in stirrups, in the middle of an IVF ultrasound, with at least some, though of course not many, of my own eggs waiting to be triggered. I can't help it but I thought her timing was chosen horribly. What was the point anyway? Make me feel even more pessimistic about this cycle, about the chance of having another biological child? And apparently she wasn't even aware of the fact that I have a child. Did she not read my chart?

I knew going into this IVF wasn't going to be easy, but damn it, why does it always have to be so difficult? Why does every step have to be so exhausting? I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help but wonder what I've done to be in that position? I keep hoping for some divine goodwill, some pleasant suprise. Maybe some day?