Future

So, I have tried IVF twice with max. stims, produced 6 (about) 8-cell embryos total, and all 6 died inside my tortured womb. I haven’t had my cycle review meeting with my RE yet, but I think it’s safe to say that my prognosis with my own eggs is shitty at this point.

My “complimentary” cycle review is scheduled for next week. My guess is Dr. Soothing will propose donor eggs if we wanted to continue trying. I don’t think he has much else to offer at this point. So far he’s never even mentioned the possibility of immune system issues, despite the research that is being done on the role of the immune system in implantation/endometriosis.

Donor eggs and/or (embryo) adoption, however, are not realistic options for our family. I have my reservations and Mr. H has his own ones. These reservations may change down the road, who knows, but right now, I don’t want to pursue donor eggs. I am actually more open towards adoption, but I can’t see that happening any time soon either, if ever.

My problem is that I don’t feel ready to give up on another (biological) child, but I don’t see what other options we have given that .

A. No good infertility coverage
Our health insurance that covered part of our infertility journey (for IVF we still paid most out of pocket, but at least ultrasounds etc were covered) was cancelled as of Jan 1. I think IVF expenses is one of those areas in infertility that I’d view differently if I had primary infertility. Basically, I’d be willing to go into debt and beyond. But we do have a little girl to think of, to take care of. I can’t just go and spend all our family money, or travel to Cornell etc in the pursuit of an unlikely dream. So even if my doctor would cycle me once more with my own eggs, I’m afraid the expenses would be too high given the crappy odds. Unless of course, Dr. Soothing has some sensational insight…

B. Dysfunctional Plumbing
If I had healthy tubes, I would continue with IUIs (that my new insurance may even pay for, how ironic), acupuncture, and good old se*. But both my tubes are dysfunctional, which makes even fertilization a challenge to put it mildly. Not to mention the rest.

C. Tubal Repair seems unlikely
I would undergo more surgeries but I fear that there is nobody willing and/or able to repair even just one of my tubes. Anybody out there? Tube repairs have gone out of fashion with the arrival of IVF. Too bad that IVF didn’t work, isn’t it? Plus, the costs might be out-of-pocket. You know, dysfunctional tubes don’t cause physical pain.

So, lovely internet, it seems my crappy eggs have nailed my fertility’s coffin shut*.

I might consider going to talk to a different RE, but really, what could they tell me differently? Would my embryos like their embryologist any better? Doubtful (though I might).

So, really, I seem to have appeared at the end of my infertility tunnel but it’s not sunshine but rain that is awaiting me.

I took my first AD today. Feeling so much better already.

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* okay, here’s the problem I have with the shitty egg thing: am I really to believe that I know when my last good egg popped out (Miss V.)? We started trying for a second kid almost immediately after my period returned after pregnancy/nursing. So, am I too believe I went from fertile-enough eggs (if it wasn’t a fluke) to shitty eggs while being pregnant?!