"Baby Alive"

I watched a commercial yesterday that was advertising a doll called "Baby Alive." Oh, goodie, I thought, maybe I should put it on my Christmas list?

Miss V by the way named our demised ninja "Emma". She is sure that it was a girl.
Have I mentioned before how glad I am to have Miss V? She's my light. There is something so refreshing about how a four year old deals with a miscarriage.

A couple of weeks ago, when I started feeling shitty and changed my eating habits, she constantly asked me what was wrong with me. I finally told her that there might be a little baby growing inside of me. I told her that I couldn't promise that there would really be a baby in the end, but that I was hoping it very much.

So, when she saw how sad i was last Thursday, I told her that the doctor had told me that the little baby inside of me was too sick and had died. I further told her that I was very sad about it. Miss V looked at me sadly and said "she was very sad, too" and she let me hug her (she is usually not so into the hugging). Then she looked at me and started to ask all those curious questions about why the baby had died. In the end she decided that "ah, well, maybe there will be another baby" (to which Mr H answered, well, we'll keep trying...) , oh, and cheerfully announced while walking back to her toys, that tomorrow, she would tell her preschool teacher that "my baby died." I am sure her teacher enjoyed that conversation. It's funny, it doesn't hurt me at all to talk to Miss V about the doomed ninja.

I haven't started bleeding yet. And my bo*bs still hurt. And can I tell you something that may sound weird? I think I will feel so empty when they finally remove our little ninja. Apparently, I prefer even carrying a dead ninja to an empty uterus. Sad, isn't it? But I guess, it will get easier to let go of my dream then.