Back to the Reality that is my Life

I feel like I was rudely sent back to Mother Earth after being allowed to float around for a couple of weeks in lala-pregnancy land. I didn't really think I was allowed to float up there much longer, was I? I am back to the reality that is my life.

There were really no big warning signals that something was so terribly wrong. I was nauseated a lot, I gagged a lot, I hated certain smells, and my bo*bs were moderately sore most of the time (at least not any less than with Miss V.). I didn't pee so very often (although I had to get up about twice at nights), but I don't remember that being the case with Miss V either. I didn't cramp, nor did I spot (apart from one tiny drop after a bowl movement a couple of weeks ago).I sometimes even felt some ligament pain though I did feel more a couple of weeks ago.

I did start to feel better over the last week, just a bit queezy here and there. But I remembered feeling similarly better at 11 weeks with Miss V. With her though, I heart her heart beat at 11 weeks (though not without difficulty finding it. I even got the miscarriage speech, but somehow I hadn't run out of luck back then).

And even though I always have a cautious voice in the back of my mind warning me not to get too overly excited (who us doesn't have that?), I didn't really think we would NOT see a living fetus. I mean, I was almost 11 weeks pregnant, without any warning signals, at least as far as I was concerned...Delusional? Maybe.

And Mr. H was so excited to see the ninja. And then there was nothing but a dead embryo in its gestational sac. Probably dead for quite a while without me really noticing.

A missed miscarriage is pretty brutal. No warning signs. Basically, one cannot even take comfort in the existence of pregnancy symptoms (as if I didn't already have enough paranoia).

I just can't shake the feeling that again somebody up there was having a good laugh at my attempts of being happy with and optimistic about this pregnancy. It's sounds paranoid, doesn't it?

After all, it was probably just some bad luck...(now why doesn't that make me feel any better????)

I am very sad about having to let go of this ninja. After those initial great betas (14 dpo: 168, 16dpo: 595, 22dpo: 12430) I did allow myself to dream. It makes me sad that the dreams will just remain that. Dreams.

I am scheduled for a D&C on Monday, unless my body decides to finally let go over the weekend. I am not thrilled to have another procedure that increases my risk of adhesions, but my OB, my RE, and I agreed that I might want to have this physically over as fast as possible.

Thank you all for your kind words and hopes for this ninja. I know, that sadly you all have been where I am now.