3 years of IF

Last week I was on vacation. It was a beach vacation, the best kind there is for me. I love the ocean. I love to get washed over by waves or watch the underwater world through the safety of my goggles. I love to stick my feet in the sand, feel the sun warming my skin and doze of in the shade. For me, there is no place in the world better suited to calm my soul than a sunny and warm ocean beach.

My period was strangely absent during the entire time. I was grateful, not because I was secretly decorating my baby's nursery, but because I don't use tamp*ns anymore. And swimming with pads somehow doesn't sound like such a good idea. I did buy a d*va cup but haven't figured out yet how to actually use it? So the absent period was much appreciated. It has finally arrived yesterday on my birthday but I am still mystified about its absence. I am usually rather good at predicting my period - or at least I was until my first chemical pregnancy this year. My luteal phase (LP) (based on subjective and/or ovulation predictors) was always a bit on the shorter side, on average about 12 days. Once in a while I experienced a 13 day luteal phase. Even on heavy progesterone suppositories (IVF #1), I started bleeding after 13 days. Before my chemical pregnancies I have not experienced a cycle with a LP more than 13 days (at least not during the time I have been trying to get pregnant again). Until this year. Apparently, my LP can now be 14 days. This cycle it approached 16 days?! I peed on a stick a day before I started to spot and there was no second line whatsoever. So I was either a) totally off in my subjective assessment of ovulation (used ovulation predictors however) b) didn't really ovulate c) have magically longer LPs now or d) had a brief contact with an embryo that went undetected. No matter what it was (personally I hope it was the last option), my period has now graced me with its presence. And that means: calling the RE tomorrow to get a prescription for Letrozole. Should be fun.

As I have said in my last post, there is not much I feel I contribute to the (secondary) infertility community anymore. And I feel rather tired. It's been three years that I have been dealing with this crap. Three long years: countless negative cycles, two failed IVFs (compl. negative), three surgeries, numerous visits to accupuncturists, massage therapists, miracle doctors, and two surprise chemical pregnancies. Yeah for the last. And booh for the rest.

I am mildly curious to see what will happen in the year(s) ahead in regard to my attempts to have another child, but really, at this point, I have no expectations to ever be so lucky again to hold another baby of ours in my arms. If I have learned someting during the last year, it is to hope without feeling too much disappointment. That is: to hope without expectations. To be honest, I was actually halfway convinced that I might be pregnant last cycle, but when the second line did not materialize, I wasn't shattered. It was more like "oh, well. thanks though for letting me swim."

I have a beautiful 4-year old daughter. She has my husband's incredibly dark brown eyes and my blond hair and petite frame. She has an astonishing imagination. She gave me a story for my birthday present. I wrote it down. It's a story about a beautiful anaconda and her friends who have to fight sea monsters (one even has a stinger butt!), get married, open presents, and fall in love. In that order. I love this little girl more than I can ever express in words and I am so very fortunate to be her mother. I wish I could have added another of these funny little creatures to our family. Maybe one day it will not hurt anymore that I couldn't.

Right now, I feel I need to work on my friendships that have suffered greatly under my infertility. I am still having trouble to accept that I won't find as much support from my friends as I was originally hoping, but I am working on that. I am also still having trouble with pregnancy jealousy. I wonder, is that ever going away?

So many of the infertility bloggers I started reading a long time ago have gone on to being (expectant) mothers. Some of them have lapped me. May you all have a rich, happy, and wonderful life with your little ones. To all the remaining ones still in the trenches, i wish you all the best. It is a shitty place to be and I hope you find support and love on the way.

I am not intending to continue this blog much longer. If any of you would like to keep in touch with me, please, drop me an email at kat074@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you. I will continue my quest, wherever it will lead me, and I will gladly give you updates.

thank you all so much for your support and for sharing your stories. It means so much to me.