Cancelling Thanksgiving?
I just called my MIL. I told her that I was feeling pretty miserable today and that I might not attend the Thanksgiving dinner.
My in laws are really sweet and they grieve with me. But at the same time they are, of course, excited about the prospects of two new grandbabies. But I can't be.
In my mind, I see the two cousins playing together and I wonder whether I am the only one who will remember that there could have been a third...
I can't celebrate Thanksgiving this year. I thought I could. I was holding up reasonably well. Until yesterday. Until my sweet husband had to drop this bomb on me.
I just can't get over the timing of all these events. It's hard enough to get over this miscarriage as is, but getting informed that fertile inlaws are EXPECTING* a baby around my due date while I still bleed away the last physical memories of mine, I am sorry, but that's too much for me right now.
I want my baby back. And given that's not going to happen, I would at least like to have a husband who grieves with me.
Gosh, what a lonely road to walk.
_________________
* only normal people are "expecting" a baby, us infertiles, if we're lucky, we get pregnant. We rarely get to "expect"
posted by kati @ 8:39 AM
4 Comments:
I don't think most people understand exactly how lonely it can be. It seems like people are pretty much clueless unless they have suffered recurrent miscarriage themselves.
And most husbands don't seem to really understand either. I'd come down and box your husband's ears myself if I thought he had any kind of understanding about how cruel it was to deliver the news on your restaurant date. But, I imagine he had some bizarre reasoning that it was supposed to make it easier or something (they can be pretty obtuse at times).
I wish I could say something to make any of this easier but having been there, I know there really isn't anything. You do know though that you are still dealing with all the hormones right now as well, right?
Hang in there Kati. Take care of yourself and there will be numerous Thanksgivings in the future - missing one doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Missing your babies will always matter but hopefully in the future it won't hurt quite so much.
DinoD
Nothing is lonlier. I agree. Only those of us stuck in this awful group can really know what it feels like. And we do. So take care of yourself, give yourself love and tenderness and hope this feels better with time.
I am just checking in on you today. I have been thinking about you today and wanted you to know.
After my husband told me to "get over it", I never discussed my miscarriages with him or the due dates. I try to believe I am punishing him by not reminding him, but I know that the only one who hurts is myself.
It's bad enough to go through any of this, but to feel emotionally alone, which emphasizes the fact that we were able to refer to our bodies as "we" when pregnant, it's just a cruel, cruel twist.
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