Lost my appetite

Remember my last post, the one I just wrote an hour ago or so? The one, in which I said I was looking forward to having lunch with my husband?

Well, it didn't go so well.

Shortly after we ordered food, Mr H thought this was a good time to drop a bomb on me. He started saying that he had some news about his brother and that those news are a bit bitter sweet. I knew what was coming, do you?

His brother got married in the beginning of September. Shortly afterwards I managed to get pregnant. Apparently he and his happy bride did the same thing. They are due in June, the same month my baby would have been due.

WTF.

At the wedding my other SIL announced that they were "expecting" again. I even managed to be happy for them.

But today, I couldn't feel happy for anybody. It felt like the knife that is stuck in my heart was twisted. Two babies due, close to each other, none of them mine, and one even due at the same time my baby was... And all I got? A missed miscarriage. Another surgery. More heartbreak.

All I got was a couple of weeks of morning sickness for essentially a dead baby. Or embryo or whatever. And then the week I try to deal with my miscarriage, the loss of a much wanted, much waited for baby, I have to further digest that there will be a constant "mirror of what could have been" right in front of me? At every family function?

I know this has nothing to do with fairness whatsoever, but sometimes it's just too much for me.

Dear internet, how does one deal with all this?

And how can I manage not to hate Mr H a little bit for taking me to restaurant for a nice date and then dropping such a bomb on me in front of a whole restaurant? I had a difficult time holding back the tears. Great lunch.

Great thanksgiving.