My little boy ninja

My lovely OB/GYN called me last Sunday (!) to tell me about my unfortunate embryo's chromosomes. I actually don't know the exact chromosomal disaster but my little boy ninja's genetic make-up was sadly incompatible with life. I just wanted to know its gender. It was important for me to know. A little boy ninja.

Now I am hoping for the king or queen of the ninjas. The one that makes it all the way. Yes, I still hope...though it feels silly to admit.

I started to bleed yesterday (Christmas Day) after a couple of days of cramping and spotting. It's been five weeks since my D&C, so my period was to be expected. The only strange thing was that I (still?) had a faint positive pregnancy test last Thursday (on Sunday it was considerably weaker). I don't know how to interpret it. Probably left-over HCG from the miscarriage, but I did have strong ligament pains again while sneezing (and they pretty much went away after the D&C). It's a bit of a mystery to me. But whatever it was, it is no more.

It was interesting for me to experience the support of my friends and family after my miscarriage. What was especially interesting to me was that the support was there. I rarely received such support after a failed IVF cycle, although, frankly i needed it just as much, if not more. Despite the sadness I feel about the brutal end of my pregnancy and the fact that I will never meet this little boy, I remember feeling happy for quite a while beforehand. I was happy carrying a child inside of me again. It was incredible. With my failed IVF cycles I only remember despair, sadness, anger, and bitterness. There was nothing positive about them. Nothing. And yet, I didn't feel that most people understood that I needed to grieve and heal just as much.

2007 turned out to be quite the reproductive year for me: two chemical pregnancies, one full-blown miscarriage, one D&C, and one hysteroscopy. Despite this emotional rollercoaster, 2007 beats 2006 by far. 2006 was a very dark year for me. 2007 had periods of incredible light. Seriously, I can't tell you how happy it still makes me to remember the joy I felt each and every time I saw two lines on a pregnancy test, each and every time I threw up in my mouth and toilet. Of course, I also remember the horrible moment I realized on the ultrasound table that something was terribly wrong with my beloved ninja. This memory might make me cry for the rest of my life, similarly to the memory of saying good-bye to my father for the very last time.

May 2008 bring us all much needed happiness.