Period.

Dear Internet, I am not having a good day today. Actually, I am not having a great week. Don't read on if you're easily disgusted or if you had enough of my whining (you wouldn't be the only one, just be so kind to quietly quit without yelling at me).

Last Monday while "relieving" myself, I was thinking to myself "well, I am probably not pregnant, but at least I am not bleeding anymore." At this point, I've had roughly 8 days of no bleeding and no spotting and I wasn't expecting my period for another couple of days. These are the moments that make me feel so paranoid, so laughed at by life. Because when I wiped, there it was again, light bleeding. No prior warning. The next day I was bleeding like I haven't since my mid-twenties. There was a flow big time. What's going on now? I have not the slightest idea (in fact, I do, but none of them remotely happy ones). Mr H. was hoping this was a "good" sign, but when is that ever the case with my plumbing? Thankfully, the flow has considerably slowed down (though I might have jinxed it now).

I am so tired. When is enough ever enough? The miscarriage was in November and still my body is acting out. I try so hard to get on with my life to find happiness in the life that I have, but I need the universe to back off a bit.

On top of that, I had another pregnancy ambush. And you know what? She probably will get her baby, while mine that I waited for for so long, had the bad luck of random genetic mishaps. Ups. How much bad luck can one person have in the world of infertility? Don't bother answering me. I know the answer myself after reading so many sad stories.

A year ago I had my first chemical pregnancy. I am so tired of all this. It's been three and a half long, long years.