Fighting my demon
I am fighting my demons today.
My SIL did it again. On the due date (her mother's birthday no less; the first kid was born on its due date also which happened to be the other grandma's birthday...I know, sounds like I am making this up), in like 2 hours. I am wishing her and her little babe all the happiness in the world, but I am not feeling particularly happy. In fact, I need a virtual hug or something because not even Mr H understands the complicated feelings I have regarding the truckload of babies that are delivered these days all around me. "But it's my sister" he says rightfully. "Shall we meet at the hospital?" he asks me. "NO!" I want to yell. I am not setting foot in that maternity ward. I was supposed to deliver there, too...(and I kinda did, just not the way I had so hoped for).
We handed over our carseat and other baby stuff last week. Once I had the dream of using that carseat again this coming June for our own ninja. How can this all not affect me?
My brain was flooded with memories again. Memories of a traumatic birth, memories of failed cycles, memories of bad ultrasounds, memories of surgeries, memories of tears. I don't think any birth that results in a healthy baby can ever be so painful as infertility is over and over again.
Where are my endorphins to make this all bearable?
Recently, I noticed that most infertility bloggers I read so long ago have all safely left infertility island. It hurts to still be here. And no matter how hard I try to be okay (and I am okay most of the times), there is no sweet happy ending to cushion the pain of my memories.
And so I am fighting my demons once again.
posted by kati @ 11:27 AM
5 Comments:
Oh Kati, I'm so sorry that you have so many demons to fight. It hurts terribly to go through infertility, but to be expected to smile and visit a new baby can be too much on top of it. Perhaps you can have a "cold" and "wouldn't want to risk getting the baby sick"?
I know this may sound hollow, but I have to tell you that for so many who have faced IF and miscarriages, though they may eventually leave that island, that island never leaves that person. My connections to that place will always allow me to understand how painful this is. It was hurtful to see my niece's second daughter: two since we started treatments.
My husband never understood, either, when I didn't want to see the babies much less talk about other's kids. I understand that pain and anger and frustration.
Oh, Kati, how I hurt for you reading this. Here's a big, big virtual hug -- I wish I could give you the real thing right now.
My sister-in-law is one of my best friends, but I remember staying in the car once when M went to his brother's place, because I had just lost yet another baby and she was inside with her two adorable little girls -- one of whom was born on the exact due date of my second loss. There are just moments that hurt unbearably -- and they can coexist with the greatest family love and friendship.
Consider yourself virtually hugged (again and again).
All of us who have gone through infertility and especially repeat loss can understand how you feel (whether we've floundered our way off the island or not). Can your husband go on his own and just say that you're not up to it (no details required)?
Damn but I wish I could spike a few of the demons for you - it's such hard work.
DinoD
I ditto my sisters in this comment thread. I still get riled when someone acts blase about pregnancy and I still cringe whenever my 42 year old sister with two girls says she is still "toying" with the idea of getting pregnant. Big hugs to you girl. We are so there with you.
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