All set for surgery

So, let's see. What has happened over here? Not much really. My period came last Saturday, I had my pre-op appointment, and my last HCG draw (completely negative). I am all set for surgery next Monday. Hopefully my uterus can be restored to its former beauty...

We reviewed the HSG pictures. Basically, the whole upper part of the uterus was "missing". Not really missing, of course, but it didn't fill up with fluid, suggesting that the upper parts are stuck together. Thankfully some fluid got to the tubes, so we know that for now they are open. Hopefully, they stay that way.

Emotionally, I am doing fine. A bit exhausted, but fine. I am just glad that I have started my ADs at the beginning of the year. Not only are they some sort of great fertility medication for me, I also think I wouldn't be doing quite so fine without them.

Have a enjoyable weekend!

I think I might just cry a little tonight

While on the way to see my OB/GYN to get another beta draw (and to talk about my HSG results with her), I came across a billboard with a happy baby picture that said something like this "embryos are just tiny babies." Had I read the entire message, I would have not only killed my embryo, but also myself, so I am not entirely sure what the billboard was really all about.

BUT, regardless. A message like that is not helping anybody. Not the women who go through pregnancy losses, not the women who go through (multiple) IVF treatments, and not the women who, for whatever, reason chose not to continue a pregnancy. All it accomplishes (in my mind) is to make the first two groups sadder and the second one more guilty (and quiet possibly sadder as well).

Also, I think I am going to cry a little bit tonight for my lost embryo. I haven't started bleeding yet, but I sense it's just around the corner. I am really okay, and I don't feel like I'm lying when I answer random requests in regard to my well-being with a firm "fine", but, I am also a litte sad. Who wouldn't though, right?

I also knew this was coming at some point, in fact, I think it was overdue: Miss V. wants a baby (sister) in my tummy. And all because her hero "Angelina, Ballerina" got a little sister. Miss V mentioned her wish a couple of times this week. Surprisingly, it hurt a whole lot less than I imagined it would (particularly given that I was "pregnant, not expecting" (->DinoD, by the way how are you???). This just in: the number is down to 10). I just told her that sometimes babies come and sometimes they don't. We just have to wait and see.

So, now I just need my period, so that we can go on with the scheduled show.

Have a good weekend, you all!

Seems like my predictions are right on...

To recap: my predictions were that I had HCG in my system but that I would probably lose this pregnancy soon.

My beta today was 24. I was not surprised it was that low. It probably is already on its way down. Of course, I was hoping. But hoping is different from realistic expectations. And again, not only have I seen the uterus pictures, I also remember all the other crap that has happened down in ninja land. I am sad, but I knew it was a long shot to say the least.

But: I have this ninja on file. This ninja is official.

I still want to believe, that one day one of the ninjas will make it. And I still feel happy that there are still some who try.

The Return of The Ninjas

This just in: I peed on a FRE*R and an A*nswer pregnancy test. Obviously it wasn't first morning pee, but it didn't matter. Both of them show a visible (still a bit faint) second line. And both showed it within 2 minutes.

How amazing is this? Honestly though, I am not super optimistic. The pictures of my uterus were sad. Basically, one didn't even see a uterus...it was so distorted. How could anybody survive there? Even DEs may have a hard time.

Still though, I take this new information as evidence that a SECOND ninja is saying hello. For how long, I don't know. And again, I'm afraid it's not going for very long. Sadly. At least though, I didn't lie to Mr H that it was the hormones that made me extra tired this weekend (I told him I am going to milk this as much as I can).

Amazing, isn't it? It gives me hope. If I still go through with my surgery on April 23 (obviously, this will only happen if I lose this pregnancy soon), then hopefully my uterus can be put back into a state that would support any (hopeful) pregnancy. I keep dreaming.

2007 shapes up to be a different year for us, there may still be no actual baby, but at least some hellos.

Amazing. Truly amazing.

Clea*blue +/- tests: an infertile gal's best friend

Of course, after reading that Clea*blue +/- tests are lovely, infertile friendly tests ('cause they show you a positive!), I caved in and peed on a DollarT*ee one (in the afternoon). And guess what happened? Nothing. An all too familiar white space was smiling at me.

Crap. But, oh, well.

When I went to bed that night I couldn't resist peeing on the second +/- test. I was curious if I could repeat the dead. And guess what happened? Within two minutes I stared at a visible (even for those without infertility goggles) blue plus sign. Nicely positioned right in the center. Quite a bit darker than the one I had stared at the night before. Mr H laughed when I threw it at him. He didn't need to tilt it this time. The plus sign was staring at him, too.

Fun stuff. I've never tried those +/- tests before, which might explain why I usually do not get positive pregnancy tests...

But then again, why was the plus sign easier to read?

I want to believe...

that

1) the very faint plus sign I thought I saw on the Clearblue easy pregnancy tests (Mr H “if I hold it at a certain angle, there may be something…”) yesterday evening (~11dpo) and that darkened over night in a visible, blue plus sign (this never happens with my clearly negative ones), means that I have, indeed and again, some hcg in my body right now….(go ninjas!)

2) there is hope that maybe someday I get pregnant and stay pregnant again

3) my old eggs are not doing quite as badly as Dr. Soothing seems to think. Even when they decide to pop out a bit early.

4) my dysfunctional (challenged) plumbing has probably more to do with my infertility than Dr. Soothing believes.

5) my body likes ADs so much better than any fertility medication!


What I cannot believe is:

that I won’t have to reschedule my hysteroscopy surgery which is scheduled for April, 23rd. If there is indeed another ninja trying to implant right now, how could it thrive in a uterus full of adhesions?

But: Isn’t this amazing? I haven’t got positive HPtests for over 2.5 years (sadly including those two IVFs, yada, yada, yada) and then somehow, this is the second time this year that I get possibly positive (well, at least not clearly negative ones) pregnancy tests?! Seriously, having a functional tube kicks ass. The cleaning may have helped, too.

In other news, well, really what else could there possibly be?

Are you sometimes wondering whether I make up all this stuff? I couldn’t blame you. Really. And no, I am not going to test today, I want to carry around this happy, possibly delusional feeling for a while longer...

*** EDITED***
haha, just read that Clearblue +/- tests are prone to show plus signs (particularly if one waits a day, and mine did get more pronounced overnight) even if one is most certainly not pregnant. Bummer. I still want to believe...this information just made it a tad bit more difficult.