Pap Smears and Crappy Eggs

It’s been some time since the last outpour of my infertile ID. My mother came and went, and MR. H finally came home from his vacation aka business trip. And I am happy to report that Miss V. and I are still alive and still in love with each other. At least I am.

In the meantime I went to see Dr. Soothing to talk about the implications of possible bad pap smears. You see, I was avoiding getting one done because I’m so afraid that my cervix will need further treatment and subsequently be deemed “incompetent” to hold a potential pregnancy (I am such the optimist). Dr. Soothing basically told me to suck it up and go get that test done as soon as possible. I am proud to inform you all that I did*. Now I have to wait for the results which, of course, I hate.

During my little talk with Dr. Soothing, we also discussed a possible second IVF. Unfortunately he wasn’t very soothing when speculating that my egg quality is crap. First of all, I hate the gynecological terminology: poor quality eggs, weak uterus, incompetent cervix, hostile mucus, etc. Doesn’t do much for my self-esteem, that’s for sure. Second, I feel incredibly insulted. After all, we were talking about my (tiny) offspring! Geez. I mean, I didn’t point to his kids’ pictures and said those are some rotten eggs, aren’t they? (his kids actually look really cute). Third, I am wondering how bad my eggs can be given that 100% of my tiny 3-day offspring made it to 8 and 10 cell status. 100%?! (admittedly the sample was a bit on the smallish side). Forth, it just seems too easy to blame it all on my eggs. And fifth, I just don’t buy it. Or rather: I really do not want to buy it. When I was 32 I had severe endometriosis as well (albeit minus the active endometrioma). And I managed to fall pregnant in a very reasonable time frame (third cycle after stopping continuous birth control pill. No ovulation predictors. No herbs. No supplements. Not even a prenatal.). I find it hard to believe that this was my only decent egg and it conveniently matured right on time. I know that in the end it doesn’t matter why the IVF didn’t work: Whether it was my eggs with a potential quality problem, or my uterus with its documented issues. But for some reason, it really bothered me to have my eggs/embryos be called (potentially) “poor quality.”

Today I received another bill for the failed IVF cycle. I would have been so happy to pay this bill had the IVF actually work…Now, not so much.