Yesterday

1) The diaper bag: Here it is, in all its glory! Thanks for asking, Erin!
As I mentioned before, the diaper bag is for Baby Lucky. But who is Baby Lucky??? Well, that's Miss V's cousin whose due date is in June, close to the one of my own unlucky offspring.





...and this one is the baby outfit I sewed as well:



2) things that made me laugh yesterday: "Bomb her womb with your huge cannon" (a spam email sent to Mr. H)...

3) things that made me sad/furious/speechless yesterday: that (austria*n) father. The one who kept his daughter (and some of their respective offsprings) locked up in the basement for a quarter century. I have no words for this.

Weather induced ramblings

We had about 2 days of sunshine this April. 2 lonely days. We had about 4 snow days. Twice as many. That's just not right. Needless to say I am SO sick of the cold and the gray skies. Guess, there is only one thing I can do: increase my carbon footprint!

Other news? Nah, nada over here. I made a beautiful diaper bag for baby Lucky (and enjoyed doing it), but that's about it. Other than that I decided (for the thousandths time or so) to get my act together and get back into the paid work force. Making diaper bags isn't that profitable, but at least I have a skill now. So, now I have something to contribute to all those school auctions that I envision in my near future.

I have always wanted to learn how to sew, but I never really had the time to do it. Until the last two years that I worked as a professional infertility patient. In between doctors/acupuncture/therapy/massage/etc. appointments, there actually was the odd hour of leisure time. And you know what? It was good for me. It gives me satisfaction to see something growing under my hands. Looking at my dissertation gives me some satisfaction, too, but getting there was brutal. And it took far too long.

But it would be great to earn some money, too. So, it's up to me to take some actions.

Imprisoned - for now

I am proud to announce that i conquered my demons for now once again. "back to the closest!" I ordered them and after some hubbub here and hubbub there, they actually retreated.

Thanks so much for all your nice support! Sometimes that's all I need. It also helped to talk to my friend who recently went through her own loss.

I had an eye exam this morning and had to be close to the hospital my SIL gave birth in. I didn't plan it that way, but suddenly when I walked to my doctor's office I decided it would be fine to go congratulate the parents and welcome my daughter's newest cousin. It felt right and so I did. They were still there and the little babe is just beautiful. I had forgotten how little they are! And ah, so cute.

I know that my demons will find a way again to escape the closet (after all there is still cousin #2 on the way...), but for tonight I am feeling good.

Fighting my demon

I am fighting my demons today.

My SIL did it again. On the due date (her mother's birthday no less; the first kid was born on its due date also which happened to be the other grandma's birthday...I know, sounds like I am making this up), in like 2 hours. I am wishing her and her little babe all the happiness in the world, but I am not feeling particularly happy. In fact, I need a virtual hug or something because not even Mr H understands the complicated feelings I have regarding the truckload of babies that are delivered these days all around me. "But it's my sister" he says rightfully. "Shall we meet at the hospital?" he asks me. "NO!" I want to yell. I am not setting foot in that maternity ward. I was supposed to deliver there, too...(and I kinda did, just not the way I had so hoped for).

We handed over our carseat and other baby stuff last week. Once I had the dream of using that carseat again this coming June for our own ninja. How can this all not affect me?

My brain was flooded with memories again. Memories of a traumatic birth, memories of failed cycles, memories of bad ultrasounds, memories of surgeries, memories of tears. I don't think any birth that results in a healthy baby can ever be so painful as infertility is over and over again.

Where are my endorphins to make this all bearable?

Recently, I noticed that most infertility bloggers I read so long ago have all safely left infertility island. It hurts to still be here. And no matter how hard I try to be okay (and I am okay most of the times), there is no sweet happy ending to cushion the pain of my memories.

And so I am fighting my demons once again.