Mother Blues

Lovely internet, please, let me whine a little bit. We’re not having a good day at Casa Infertile ID. Mr. H has taken off for a long 10 days to go on a business trip and left behind an exhausted, tired mother and their toddler; the very same toddler who has gone through the hell of infertility with a mother who on her best days only cries about once. Do you know the adds in which kids have breast cancer and lung cancer? Well, my kid suffers from infertility. And you can tell. She is much more fragile and clingy these days, afraid that her mother will fall sick and perish away.

She doesn’t understand what’s going on. She is just scared and copes with the situation as best as she can (which is, I'm afraid, by regressing a bit).

I, on the other hand, understand what’s going on. But it doesn’t make it any easier for me. I feel so beaten, and I so desperately need something to work out. But nothing does, or so it seems. I feel like a failure, as a woman, wife, and mother.

Right now, this very second, I feel like the worst mother around. The kind of mother I don’t want to be. The kind of mother who compares her kids to others and her own kid fails the comparison. I know they are MY problems and not hers, and I should be able to handle them. But, alas, I am not.

And being the only one on call for 24 hours a day for days on end doesn’t help one bit. Not when every plan for desperately needed play dates has fallen through. Not when you are deeply exhausted to begin with. Not when your kid is whiny and clingy and you are cranky. It’s sad, but the whinier she gets, the crankier I get with her, which subsequently makes her even whinier. It’s a classic vicious circle.

But I am her mother and I know it is up to me to break this vicious circle. Or at least soften it.

I need to cut myself some slag, too, though. Because, damn it, failing an IVF cycle, getting sick (bad sinus infection), and being alone with a toddler is no walk in the park. Compared to that, a business trip seems like a vacation. And it probably is.

So, I make myself the promise to try harder to be the kind of mother that my kid deserves while at the same time trying not beat myself up if I don’t always succeed. I should think of some really good rewards for myself for succeeding, don’t you think?

"What's in there?"

...says Miss V. and points to my nice belly roll. “A baby?” “Ahem, no. No, there is {{unfortunately}} no baby in there”. “A small baby maybe?” “No, honey, not even a small one.”

Life can be so beautifully cruel sometimes.

Orientation: where am I?

Had the IVF worked I’d be now somewhere around 6 weeks pregnant. But, alas, not so much luck. At least, my blood flow has stopped and I think, I am actually
about to ovulate (which is probably a good thing, ‘cause it means my old girls are doing what they are supposed to under the given circumstances). In order to have even our minimal chance for pregnancy (not zero yet!), ovulation needs to happen soon though, ‘cause Mr. H. is going on a business trip. He claims he doesn’t want to but I don’t believe one word of this. Who wouldn’t want to go to Portugal?!

A week ago or so, Mr. H and I had our “cycle review” consultation with Dr. Soothing. Not much to say about this, other than that despite our meager quantity of eggs, they would let me cycle again because our embryos seemed to be of “good enough quality” (it’s just too bad they didn’t connect with my uterus). I also learned that my uterine lining was triple-striped, which pleasantly surprised me (but then again, why did the cupcakes not thrive there?). Because Dr. Soothing had never mentioned it before, I simply assumed my lining had not changed. We now have to make the decision if and when we would want to go down the IVF road again. I also have to think about whether I would like to have a laparoscopy done to drain my endometrioma before another IVF in the hope that the draining will increase egg quality and egg quantity. Might as well, right? At least, if it’s covered by insurance. Apparently egg quality and quantity is always an issue with me and my delicate kind of endometriosis. Not to mention my geriatric age. Maybe they can try to repair my fallopian tube at the same time. Wouldn’t that be something? I also have to get another pap smear, which scares me. I am not sure I could deal with any bad news on that battlefield at the moment.

I have also added to my team of health care professionals. In addition to Dr. Soothing and his RE team, my therapist lady (specializing in infertility and a SIF survivor herself), my acupuncturist/herbalist (I’m enjoying her concoction this very second), I have now “hired” a belly massage therapist. I figured it could not do anymore harm, but might actually alleviate adhesions and increase blood flow to my poor, battered uterus. The massage therapist, Mr. Belly, seemed duly impressed with my belly misfortunes and applauded my efforts to try out abdominal massage. I’m actually rather curious to see if I notice a difference. Anybody out there who has tried this?

So, where am I now? To my surprise, I think I am a pessimistic optimist. Deep down, despite everything that has happened (and continues to happen) I still seem to think that somehow, someday I actually manage to get pregnant again (well, at least I seem to think that occasionally). Right now, I still give ART a chance. After that, maybe it's time for a bit "relaxing"...hehe