Request Denied

The battle is over, the war is lost. I've given it everything that i could and still it wasn't enough.

I now know how this place feels like, this place devoid of hope. For there is no hope for me left to ever get pregnant again, much less carry another baby to term. Apparently you can throw a football team of embryos in my uterus and they all prefer dying over living. I hope that at least for the few days I was allowed to carry them around with me they had some fun times? Or did meeting Santa scared them to death, literally that is?

I didn't think I would ever say it but I think I would have fared better had I actually lost my uterus at Miss V birth, instead of being left mended with a severly broken one. Then at least I could have honored the shitty piece. Right now I 'd like to tore it out together with the useless pieces of shit that are my ovaries and fallopian tubes and unceremonyously dump them in the trash.

These last two years I dedicated solely to bringing another child into this world, but no matter what I tried, no matter how much I pushed myself with numerous surgeries and IVFs, I was not only denied every single time, the news was always mediocre to downright horrible. And yet I picked myself up again and again in the hope that in the end there would be, even for me, some good news for a change.

How do you heal from a ride like this? How do I mend my broken heart? How do I manage to pick up the pieces this time? I have no idea.

I am going to Germany tomorrow for a couple of weeks. I am not sure I will continue this blog afterwards. There is nothing for me to say that I haven't said before. And I truly have reached the end of my journey. We all have a limit, and I have reached ours. What I am going to say next is probably something that most of you wouldn't understand, but I would have preferred a miscarriage over this crushing negative. While I believe (though not know) a miscarriage would have devasteted me even more, it would not have killed hope so completely like this negative did. Through the course of these last two years, I slowly learned that my ovaries are eaten up by endometriomas, my uterus handicapped by Asherman's, and my fallopian tubes broken (due to endometriosis and Asherman's). IVF was our only chance for a pregnancy and yet again, my body didn't get beyond implantation. It's a hurdle I no longer have hope to jump over. A miscarriage would have at least kept that hope alive. But along with the embryos, hope died.

We all know that not everyone of us gets the happy ending. I now have to learn how to continue, how to find happiness despite. It's possible, I am sure, we all are, but I didn't want to find out.

Lovely internet, good luck with fighting your own battles, your own wars. May there be a happy ending for you.

This sucks so much.

Post Transfer

Lovely Internet, we made it to transfer yesterday. I am so thankful.