CD1

It's over. Not that it was a surprise. The pregnancy test yesterday evening still shows a faint, very faint second line, suggesting that at some point an embryo made contact. But now it's gone.

I am sad but I am also thankful. It may be difficult to understand but this little ninja embryo has given me a lot. I felt "alive" for a little while. It still amazes me that there was a second, pink line. It's all I have from this embryo.

Surgery is still an option. For a second there I was hoping I didn't have to do it, but that would have been to good to be true, right?

Yesterday I was pregnant - I think

And it was fun while it lasted. I kid you not.

I went to Target to buy a pregnancy test. “Somebody just shoot me”, I thought. This is crazy woman behavior. My period may be a little late, but it feels as if it’s just around the corner. Plus, I don’t even know when I ovulated. And I have no pregnancy symptom whatsoever (more to the contrary). No sore boobs, nothing. I haven’t got pregnant in over 2.5 years. I haven’t got pregnant with the help of two IVFs. I have dysfunctional tubes. I have endometriomas. I have Asherman’s. And yet, lovely internet, I bought the test. I haven’t peed on a stick in over a year. I didn’t pee on a stick during my IVFs. I just couldn’t stand the thought of the white space. And yet yesterday evening, I felt compelled to test. I wasn’t even nervous. I didn’t expect to see anything but one lovely pink line. And that’s what I saw – at first. But then a second line appeared. Very, very faint, but definitely visible. Even Mr H saw it (he didn’t understand at all what the significance was). A second line, lovely internet. A fucking second line?! I haven’t seen a second line in years.

However (you knew this was coming, right?), Mr. H made me pee on a stick this morning and there was only a shadow of a shadow of a shadow of a line left. You know the one, the one only I can see. My best guess? A chemical pregnancy. A spark of live. Most likely in my tube anyway. And the waiting for my period continues.

I am not even sure how I feel about all this (can you tell?). It was just too great to be true in the first place. Mr H didn’t want to talk to me about it. He was afraid I would get my hopes up.

Is this my initiation into the world of chemical pregnancies/miscarriages? I just don't know what to think and feel.