One more try...

...before I turn 37. And NO, it won't be IVF (never again), just a good ole' hay roling. Apparently, roling in the hay works just as "well"- if not better- for us anyway...I originally wanted to try Letrozole this cycle, but Mr H announced he was leaving the country for a while. Sadly, for a second there I contemplated asking him to get his sperm frozen. Slap me. Please.

But never mind. His business trip was postponed.

Given that we won't try IVF again, are not pursuing either adoption nor donor eggs it feels as if I don't have much to contribute to the IF community anymore (if ever really). Our plan is simple, if only in words. Take care and enjoy our little family of three. And continue to hope. Occasionally I might try Letrozole, ovulation predictors, and who knows even some IUIs here and there. I haven't done those yet, so might as well add them to my repertoire. I will continue to do acupuncture and herbs and get abdominal massages. I will still do uterine maintenance, but try to be realistic. After almost three years of infertility, two gloriously negative IVF cycles, several surgeries, two wonderous chemical pregnancies, a full term- pregnancy just doesn't sound all that likely.

Which doesn't prevent me at all from peeing on sticks again. But I noticed that my expectations have truly changed. I am not devastated each month anymore. I keep the positive pee sticks from the beginning of the year and enjoy looking at them. My ninjas. Last cycle I added two more sticks. They weren't positives at all, but what I call "promising negatives". Negative results that show a hint of a line long after 10 minutes are over. Most likely those lines are evap lines. They only appeared on two tests and those were from the same package. I decided to keep them anyway in my collection. Wishful thinking.

Wishing everyone a wonderful summer.

Post IF friendships

For a while now, I am working in my head on a post about how my infertility has impacted one of the closest friendships I have - in a negative way.

I admit, I am having a somewhat difficult time with my friends having babies right and left. Just recently I received another birth announcement of a childhood friend who announced the birth of her third son. She's had two kids in the time that I have been - unsuccessfully- trying for one. Yes, I am very happy that she has three healthy, gorgeous kids. And yes, I get a bit sad for myself because there is still a bit of a hole in my life. Or my other friend whose second child will forever remind me that I could have - theoretically- a kid his age. Two. I could have had a four year old and a two year old if IF hadn't intervened...And of course, my ongoing struggle with IF makes it difficult for my friends as well. You all know how it is.

But that's not even the problem my close friend and I have. My friend and I go back to high school. And as every close relationship, there are things that I love about my friend, and things that, well, bother me a wee bit. And it's of course the same for my friend. This is important because I believe part of our problem roots in the past; there are some things about me that simply have irritated her for a long time.

To give you some background of the current situation:
My friend lives in Germany, whereas I live in the U.S. Naturally, we don't see each other very often. We occasionally called. Mostly, we've communicated via email.
My friend is one the few people who have known for a long time about my endometriosis issues and my personal fear of infertility. I remember talking to her about those fears shortly before I conceived Miss V. When it became more and more obvious that I had problems conceiving a second child, I went through a pretty dark period in my life. I was very angry. I was still trying to recover from the shock of the ruptured uterus and its consequences for subsequent pregnancies (and the fact, that I did have gestational diabetes, which is not awful but not great either). I was still trying to recover from the scare of cervical cancer (thankfully the biopsy did not show as severe abnormalties as the original pap smear). And I hadn't forgotten my endometriosis either. My friend was hopeful that my successful pregnancy had "cured" endometriosis. I wasn't. But I didn't expect it to come "back" with a vengence either.

So, when I found out that 1) I had new endometriomas on my ovaries 2) my left ovary's fertility potential was diminished possibly due to earlier ovarian surgery 3) my lining was extremely thin 4) I had developed Asherman's syndrome probably as a result from my rupture/c-section 5) at least one of my tubes was blocked and 6) my best chance to conceive was IVF, I was pissed. I was bitter. I was jealous. I was angry. And I was scared shitless. And you know what? I can still totally understand my feelings. I know that some unfortunate souls have to deal with far, far worse. No one should have to deal with so much gynecological crap. It's enough for many lifetimes. I couldn't believe in shitty randomness anymore and felt personally targeted by life. It was, still is, difficult for me to digest it all.

Shortly after my first hysteroscopy, I wrote a long email to my friend in Germany. Part of that email, but not all, was me venting about all this shit. I knew I was venting, I even warned my friend that what was coming next, was not going to be pretty. I complained and I whined in this section of the email. I was bitter and generally angry. I told my friend that I didn't understand why I had to deal with such a traumatic birth AND had to deal with such ugly consequences. I wrote that no one I personally knew had to deal with problems like that. And then, I told her that I would have to do IVF. I finished the letter, however, on a much lighter note, talking about Christmas stuff.

I never heard back from my friend. I went through an entire (failed) IVF without even a single note from her. I was disappointed. I felt she was abandoning me during a time of great emotional need. I tried to explain this silence to myself by wondering whether she had even received the email? I didn't know what was going on, so when I went back to germany last summer, I contacted her.

She had received the email, all right. We spend on horrible evening together in my beautiful german home town. It was bad. I am not sure I remember it correctly, but it felt as if she was yelling at me. As if I had done something to her. I purposefully didn't mention any IF stuff. But she asked. So yes, I told her, and yes, I was bitter. And then it felt as if a thunderstorm came down on me. I was quite perplexed (well, and hurt of course, too). Basically, she was very annoyed with me because "can't you ever be happy?"

Now, this friendship is very important to me and I understand that dealing with my general tendency towards depression coupled with my bitterness and anger about IF can be quite challenging. But, to this day I have a difficult time with her general lack of compassion and support during a very dark period of my life. I have a difficult time to understand why she chose silence over a simple "i'm sorry" just because she seemed irritated by my ongoing whining (and not only about IF stuff as it turns out). I didn't share my IF story with all my friends in such detail; it just plain hurts that it backfired.

My friend is a great person and the picture I am painting right now doesn't do her justice at all. She's been there for me many times over. And I think she has had every right to be honest with me and tell me what made her uncomfortable. I am just not agreeing with the HOW, though, at all.

But I am still struggeling how to relate to her at the moment. We are both trying. And maybe right now, that's as good as we can hope for.

******************
Update on cycle issues:
I peed on a stick today (~11dpo) and there was so much white space it was blinding. So, I deduct from this that the wonderful, hurting bo*bs I have been blessed with these last 11 days have nothing to do with any invading resident. Ah, oh, well, I do like having these boo*s though.