Reproductive Innocence

Yesterday I spent a wonderful morning at the beach with two great mothers. We each have a little (almost) 3-year-old little girl. One of these mothers was telling us that they have been trying for a second since January without luck. She is forty years old. In my world, the world of SIF, that’s about 6 months of unsuccessful trying and she fits the diagnosis of secondary infertility. I didn’t tell her that. She was too much in denial that anything could be wrong (and she could very well be right). According to her a) they wouldn’t seek any help unless they had been unsuccessfully trying for a year* (which to me seems a bit risky if you are forty) and b) she felt that it would happen any time now. She felt it could happen any time now because her husband was finally emotionally on board with the project second child.

I wish I had her innocence.

I am not sure though I ever believed emotional readiness played a crucial part in getting pregnant. I mean, what would it do? Make sperm more willing? Make eggs younger? Make your uterus more receptive?

But she really believed it.**

Living in reproductive la-la land sounds much more fun than being in reproductive hell***.
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*to be honest, I waited 9 months to speak to my OB/GYN myself. I was 34 but knew I had endometriosis. I was clearly in denial.

**she also seemed to believe in the “just relax” or, worse, “just adopt, and you’ll get pregnant” urban legends. I know those urban legends exist, I know some myself, but I also know that our database is skewed, simply because we don’t register all the cases where “just relaxing” didn’t work.

***Whenever I tell people that we have been trying for almost 2 years now to have a child, including IVF, they seem to relax (haha) when they hear all my reproductive ailments. Because stuff like that clearly isn’t going to happen to them. Most likely, they are right. But still, it bugs me.

First post-healer cycle: the red tide showed up as usually. On the day I had predicted it (I am very good at this by now.)

How was I feeling? A bit sad.

But I couldn’t stay sad for very long for I was in the midst of a little mini-break down in the Bay Area. Without husband or kid! It was the second time I had been away from Miss V. for a couple of days and she did great. So did I.

On the way back I had an incredible view of the mountains/volcanoes of California, Oregon, and Washington. Floating above those amazing sights, being so far away from everyday (human) concerns, I simply felt good. And for a while I didn’t care about my broken reproductive bits.

That, of course, changed a little later when we went to the wading pool full of toddlers, their infant siblings, and siblings to be. But it’s good to know that sometimes I manage to feel just fine.

…and psssst: my bladder pain is almost non existing this cycle (knock on wood!)?! Of course, it may still sneak in, but it’s unusual nonetheless.

Hairy Issues

Yesterday I was experiencing some of the same ‘ole (PMS) symptoms that I’ve been experiencing for almost two years now. So, it doesn’t look necessarily promising over here at Casa Infertile ID. Gosh, I can’t believe it’s almost two years of zero implantations (and –apart from the two IVF embryos- possibly zero conceptions). With this striking pregnancy success rate, I could be mistaken for a man. If there wasn’t that monthly bleeding, of course (which I am actually rather thankful to get. Because it means there is still some hope left in my girls.)

And because there is nothing new to talk about regarding my fertility struggles, I thought we should turn our attention to some other pressing issues. Hairy issues, that is.

You see, lovely internet, I not only have the striking pregnancy success rate of a man, I also have his leg hair. I know, I know, not something you really wanted to know about me, but I thought I throw it out there, just in case you have found the miracle cure at least for THIS problem.

I love summer! But I just can’t seem to find a solution for my hairy problem. Shaving, tweezing, epil?, waxing, sugaring, nadding etc, you name it. Nothing comes even close to what I’d call an acceptable treatment. Sure, waxing/sugaring keeps the hair at bay a little longer than shaving, say one week, but after that week? Hairy hell breaks loose and I have to hide my legs again for the next month or so until all the angry inflamed, ingrown hairs have calmed down. So, needless to say, this is not an acceptable option for summer. Unless summer lasts a week, which may be the case this year in the Northwest. If we even get a summer, that is.

I was also probably one of the first people to buy an Epilady back in the late ‘80ies. And though I am willing to endure some pain in this hairy odyssey, the epilady pain was just a bit much. I really wonder what women tested those things? Did they even have leg hair???? And it didn’t get better with time either. A couple of years later, I bought a newer model. One that promised to be almost painless. Haha!

So, lovely internet, any ideas how to get the hairiness under control?

What could it be?

Let’s do a little riddle, shall we. Here it comes: when I pee, I hurt. Have I mentioned the urgency yet? No? Well, believe you me, it can get very urgent over here at Casa Infertile ID. To be honest, sometimes I don’t even reach the toilet in time. Hm, what could it possible be?

Yes, that’s right! I had my monthly uterine clean-up. As usually, my german uterus was right on time. What, you thought it was an ordinary bladder infection? Something a normal person would get? I’ve had those as well. Not much fun, but at least one can get some medication to cope with it. Unless – of course- it’s the recurrent kind. That one sucks, too. No doubt about it. But even that usually has no implications for one’s fertility. Endometriosis does. It therefore sucks doubly.

But I shouldn’t complain too much. Really, the pain has been much, much worse in the past (the infertility though hasn’t, it’s seems to be a give and take). As in almost passing out from the bladder pain. And no medication helped to lessen the pain. These days (knock on wood), it’s really not too bad. Which surprises me, actually. I still have peeing pain, or rather discomfort, about 10 days every month and more severe bladder pain during the first days of my period, but overall the pain is very bearable. And (again knock on wood), I didn’t have any severe uterine cramps during the last two years. For someone with severe endometriosis, that’s not too shappy I suppose. Now, if only that stupid endometrioma would just say good-bye…

So, on to another cycle*. My first post-healer cycle. Lovely internet, I will let you all know if there is anything else but bladder pain to report next time. A second line, for example, would be nice. Preferably on an HPT.

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* well, given that I wrote this post over a week ago, I am now well into this new cycle. The bladder pain though, that one still persists.