Feeling better

The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, and we booked a vacation in Hawaii (and the period seems to be on her way out...). So, I am feeling much better. Thanks though for letting me whine a bit!

Period.

Dear Internet, I am not having a good day today. Actually, I am not having a great week. Don't read on if you're easily disgusted or if you had enough of my whining (you wouldn't be the only one, just be so kind to quietly quit without yelling at me).

Last Monday while "relieving" myself, I was thinking to myself "well, I am probably not pregnant, but at least I am not bleeding anymore." At this point, I've had roughly 8 days of no bleeding and no spotting and I wasn't expecting my period for another couple of days. These are the moments that make me feel so paranoid, so laughed at by life. Because when I wiped, there it was again, light bleeding. No prior warning. The next day I was bleeding like I haven't since my mid-twenties. There was a flow big time. What's going on now? I have not the slightest idea (in fact, I do, but none of them remotely happy ones). Mr H. was hoping this was a "good" sign, but when is that ever the case with my plumbing? Thankfully, the flow has considerably slowed down (though I might have jinxed it now).

I am so tired. When is enough ever enough? The miscarriage was in November and still my body is acting out. I try so hard to get on with my life to find happiness in the life that I have, but I need the universe to back off a bit.

On top of that, I had another pregnancy ambush. And you know what? She probably will get her baby, while mine that I waited for for so long, had the bad luck of random genetic mishaps. Ups. How much bad luck can one person have in the world of infertility? Don't bother answering me. I know the answer myself after reading so many sad stories.

A year ago I had my first chemical pregnancy. I am so tired of all this. It's been three and a half long, long years.

No Explanation

That's basically what my doctor told me today after yet another ultrasound exam. Thankfully the bleeding has subsided some today, so it might have been more difficult to find its cause. According to my doctor, my upper uterus looks fine (lining is bla, but at least triple-striped, and I have one follicle that's about ready to go), and my cervix also looked okay to him. So, I feel a bit better but still wonder. I mean, I was changing pads on Tuesday and Wednesday?! Hopefully, the bleeding will not continue.

Thank you all so much for checking in with me!!!

Crank back in

hi, it's me again. Crank. Thanks so much for replying to my post!

As it turns out, the bleeding got worse (could have something to do with our procreational activity, but hey, what if this was a good egg?), so I called my doctor (who still thinks it could be normal) and made an appointment for Thursday. I would really like to know where the bleeding comes from.

I need to get another pap smear and already have an appointment for one in March (my usual pap smear person is on...maternity leave.). Since I have had trouble with pap smears before (in 2004), I am a bit afraid it's the cervix complaining. Argh.

I really would like a break in all things gynacological. A miscarriage is bad enough (as are infertility, endometriosis, IVFs, etc, etc. etc.), I don't need any other stress resulting from it. I just don't. I have the sickening feeling though that what I need or want has nothing to do with what I get.

Anyway, I am still cranky.

Have I mentioned before that re-caulking a shower stall does not alleviate crankiness????

Cranky

That's how I feel. I spent the weekend in bed - or at least I tried- due to a fever that now slowly turns into another cold. Mr. H was dealing with the exact same condition last weekend. Thanks, Hon.

I also have great CM (and my usual ovarian discomfort), it's just the wrong color. It's bright red. Yes, in case you are wondering, it's blood. I am so sick of spotting and bleeding.

Basically not a single day has gone by since the D&C in November without spotting, weird colored CM, or blood. During my last cycle I spotted EVERY single day from period to period. I had an ultrasound on day 14 that apparently did not raise concerns, it also showed I was close to ovulation. Two weeks later: spotting turned into bleeding. After 6 days bleeding turned into spotting, which was almost gone on day 10 when I had another ultrasound, this time a sonohysterogram. Uterus apparently looked fine, but afterwards I experienced quite the spotting. And now it's even red. Mixed with the fabulous CM that leaks and hangs out of my body. Fun, eh?

Have I mentioned that I am cranky? I called my RE because I don't think this is normal. I understand that the first few cycles after a miscarriage can be quite weird, but this weird? I don't know. How is a (infertile) "girl" (haha) supposed to take advantage of the great miscarriage induced fertility (haha) when the habitat doesn't cooperate?!

Seems like my uterus is still crying for its lost inhabitant. It held on so well for such a long time, now it can't stop grieving. Poor uterus, it has gone through so much during the last couple of years.

Oh, and then I totally forgot another reason that makes me very, very cranky: kindergarten shopping. Or deciding whether my young, shy, wonderful 4 1/2 year old child is going to be ready for it? Summer birthdays are no good when it comes to school. It's just added agony.

That's it. Crank is out.